Edwatch by Julia Steiny: Adults who ask right questions help teens make right choices
Sunday, August 13, 2006

LINK

Not long ago, The Providence Journal ran a series of stories that followed Tania Cabral, a young high school dropout, through Rhode Island's Family Treatment Drug Court. Staff writer Edward Fitzpatrick took us into her world to observe the ups and downs of her battles with drugs and with regaining custody of her child. Though painful, I read every word, snarling audibly at her myopic choices to disengage from school, get involved with drugs, conceive a baby with another druggie, and be on and off again with him until he finally went to jail.

Tania had neither dreams for her future nor guiding principles powerful enough to lift her out of the mess she'd made of her life. Pleasure determined her choices. Pleasure got her into trouble. Only threats and legal sanctions pushed her toward decisions that took her in a positive direction.

I wanted to slug her. But I also know well that the essentials of her story are horribly common. Scary numbers of American adolescents choose to join gangs, buy guns, fight, take drugs, bully, quit school, commit crimes, have unprotected sex and so on.

Tania had probably never been taught to consider her options whenever "Oooo, that's a good idea" popped into her head. By nature, adolescents are impulsive, some very much so. Every one of them needs help learning the habit of stopping for a moment, stepping back from an impulse or decision, and weighing the possibilities. It's not natural.

You might be thinking this is the parents' job. As if! As if most parents today are making terrific choices themselves. We are, after all, three generations away from the solid, once respectable, grandmotherly advice that used to circulate in extended families and ethnic and faith-based communities. Who do you think is teaching the parents these days?

Well-meaning parents and teachers alike make the understandable mistake of dictating the right choices to teens instead of helping them think a decision through. We tell them what's right -- finish your homework, avoid drugs and sex -- or there will be consequences that will wreck your life in some way.

But adolescents are under a biological mandate to make their own choices. As their bodies prepare for adult independence, they naturally turn away from parents, family and childhood ways. However clueless they may seem to us, telling them the correct choice is likely to backfire. They're allergic to authority.

Psychiatrist William Glasser, author of Choice Theory, among many other books, offers six simple questions to improve adolescent judgment. Frankly, until something better comes along, everyone ought to know this technique. Community police, coaches at recreation facilities, the streetworkers trying to stop urban violence, or anyone who ever comes in contact with teens ought to be able to engage a kid with a few simple questions, when the opportunity presents itself.

The questions are:

What are you doing? (This calls attention to the possibility of using poor judgment.)

What do you want? (By behaving this way.)

Is what you're doing now going to get you want you want? (Probably not, if someone is asking.)

If not, what would be more effective? (Help them consider various options.)

Can you make a plan and be committed to carrying out the plan?

Can you live with this decision?

By asking these questions respectfully and without too much judgment, you give kids a chance to explain their actions in case you've misunderstood. But if they are messing up, you've started the conversation in a Socratic, curious manner. If people ask kids often enough about the thinking behind their decisions or actions, they'll learn the habit of taking a moment to articulate their intentions to themselves.

"What do you want?" is a crucial question that is too rarely asked. Psychotherapists do brisk business helping grownups sort through their feelings to find what it is they really want, so they can shake free of motives other than their fondest and best desires. "What do you want?" helps a kid think into the future a bit. To be a rock star, he'll have to learn an instrument. We don't like to hear that the kid wants to beat up someone he considers a jerk, but if we ask the question, he might see he's inviting retaliation. Often kids don't really know what they want. Knowing enough to stop for a moment and examine an impulse is a skill, and one that requires practice.

Furthermore, if you can help a kid remember, nourish and stick to a concrete goal, that kid has a much higher chance of doing well. Dreams are fabulous guides to steer us past distraction. As Joycelyn Elders said: "There is no prophylactic like a kid with a plan." Tania had no dreams.

Glasser's six questions put space and time between an impulse and acting on it. And adolescents are often surprised to learn they have other options. Impulse gives them the feeling there is only one. Experienced adults can always generate more ways of skinning that cat. Unless kids believe they have options and have some experience inventing some, they won't even try.

Similarly, they don't generally imagine consequences. If they can envision the trouble they're getting themselves into, some kids will change course. Others may shrug and say that if bunking leads to Truancy Court, so be it. The grownup may walk away unsatisfied with the kid's decision, but at least the cards are on the table, and both kid and grownup are clear with each other. It is the kid's choice. She will be the one living with the consequences or the benefits of her decision.

Teach kids to think through choices. Help them while they're young and can learn to be clear and convinced about having better things to do than fight, take drugs or have unprotected sex. Help them be ready for the peer pressure and the lure of ill-advised pleasures, since temptation is always right at hand.

Reduce the number of Tanias of this world.

Julia Steiny is a former member of the Providence School Board; she now consults and writes for education, government and private enterprises. She welcomes questions and comments on education. She can be reached by e-mail at juliasteiny@cox.net or c/o The Providence Journal, 75 Fountain St., Providence, RI 02902

A Mother's Addiction

Part One, Sunday, Apr. 30, 2006
To get her baby back, Tania Cabral must stay clean and end a years-long drug odyssey
In her senior year of high school, Tania is introduced to crack cocaine, beginning a drug odyssey that cannot be diverted by a family's love, prison, or life under a bridge. Read the story.

* * * * *
Part Two, Monday, May 1, 2006
From drug daze to child birth to drug court
After getting clean and finding a soul mate, crack's lure ends Tania's "normal" life. She becomes involved with an old acquaintance, Jason Tench, and months later, A.J. is born. But the state seizes custody. Read the story.

* * * * *
Part Three, Tuesday, May 2, 2006
A homecoming descends into violence
Jason gets out of prison, but his warm reunion with Tania dissolves within days. Jason ends up back in prison, and Tania says he is out of her life. Read the story.

* * * * *
Part Four, Wednesday, May 3, 2006
For little A.J., Tania finds the strength
Tania is quickly becoming the star of drug court, winning unsupervised visits with A.J., then overnight visits and then she is allowed to care for her baby full-time. Read the story.

* * * * *
Part Five, Thursday, May 4, 2006
'I was a relapse waiting to happen'
Tania slips up and uses crack. But after admitting her transgression, she is allowed to take A.J. to Florida. When she returns, though, her slip becomes a free-fall, and the state sends A.J. back to foster care. Read the story.

* * * * *
Part Six, Friday, May 5, 2006
Tania's binge threatens all she has built
With A.J. back in foster care with her father and stepmother, Tania spirals downward. After a two-week crack binge, she is coaxed back into Family Court, goes to detox and enters a rehabilitation program. Read the story.

* * * * *
Part Seven, Sunday, May 7, 2006
In rehab, with A.J., Tania has hope for the future
At SSTARBIRTH, Tania regains the right to care for A.J. full-time. In drug court, Tania tells the judge she will stay away from Jason. When she sees an old friend at an Narcotic Anonymous meeting who has stayed clean for six years, she finds hope. Read the story. | Gallery: See mores photos taken by Journal photographer John Freidah during a year of covering this story.

* * * * *
Aftermath
Tuesday, May 9, 2006
Responses vary to series about addict
Some say The Journal series, "A Mother's Addiction," is an example others can use to fight drug dependency; others say that Tania Cabral has had her "chances to straighten out." Read the story.

* * * * *
Gallery
Sunday, May 7, 2006
See mores photos taken by Journal photographer John Freidah during a year of covering this story.

* * * * *
About the series
In this week-long series, Providence Journal reporter Edward Fitzpatrick and photographer John Freidah take readers inside Rhode Island's Family Treatment Drug Court to follow the case of Tania Cabral and her infant daughter.

The actions and case files in this court are secret, but Family Court Chief Justice Jeremiah S. Jeremiah Jr. and Tania gave The Journal unparalleled access to the people taking part in this bold new attempt to keep parents off drugs so they can raise their children.

More about the series and web resources

React to the series
Your Turn: How should society address the issue of drug-addicted parents with children? Is it a good investment of taxpayer money to try to rehabilitate addicted parents and reunite them with their children? What do you think it will take to ensure that Tania stays drug free and keeps her daughter?

Chat: Family Court Chief Judge Jeremiah S. Jeremiah Jr. was at The Providence Journal on Wednesday, May 10, for an online chat hosted by Journal staff writer Edward Fitzpatrick. The judge discussed the Family Treatment Drug Court and the case of Tania Cabral and her infant daughter, A.J. Read the transcript.